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These awards mark (as a warning) the
worst achievements in cinema featured on MST3K.
And the winners (or losers, depending on how you look at it) are...
In the category of Worst Picture... Ever:
The mistaye goes to... Manos: The
Hands of Fate (34.2%)
(Also receiving votes: Monster A-Go-Go
23.7%; Red Zone Cuba 13.2%; The Creeping Terror 10.5%;
Blood Waters of Dr. Z (ZaAT) 7.9%; The Incredibly Strange
Creatures... 5.3%; Beast of Yucca Flats 2.6%; Hobgoblins
2.6%)
In the category of Cheesiest Picture:
The mistaye goes to... Space Mutiny
(34.2%)
(Also receiving votes: Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians 26.3%; Godzilla vs. Megalon 10.5%;
Prince of Space 10.5%; Invasion of the Neptune Men 7.9%; It
Conquered the World 5.2%; Earth vs. The Spider 2.6%;
Teenagers from Outer Space 2.6%)
In the category of Weirdest Picture:
The mistaye goes to... Jack Frost
(37.8%)
(Also receiving votes: Santa Claus 32.4%;
Village of the Giants 8.1%; Robot Monster 8.1%; Pod People
5.4%; The Day The Earth Froze 5.4%; The Magic Voyage of
Sinbad 2.7%)
In the category of Most Blatantly
Offensive Picture:
The mistaye goes to... Hobgoblins
(31.4%)
(Also receiving votes: The Brain That
Wouldn’t Die 25.7%; Jungle Goddess 22.8%; Invasion of the
Neptune Men 11.4%; King Dinosaur 8.6%)
In the category of Most
Psychologically Damaging Children’s Film:
The mistaye goes to... Merlin’s
Shop of Mystical Wonders (52.6%)
(Also receiving votes: Santa Claus 18.4%;
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians 15.8%; Jack Frost 7.9%; Invasion of
the Neptune Men 2.6%; Gamera vs. Guiron 2.6%)
In the category of Worst Director...
Ever:
The mistaye goes to... Coleman Francis
for Skydivers, Beast of Yucca Flats, and Red Zone Cuba
(55.2%)
(Also receiving votes: Hal P. Warren for
Manos: The Hands of Fate 21.0%; David Winters for Space Mutiny
7.9%; Arthur Nelson for The Creeping Terror 5.2%; Rick Sloane for
Hobgoblins 5.2%; Ed Wood Jr. for Bride of the Monster and The
Sinister Urge 5.2%)
In the category of Worst Performance
by an Actor in a Leading Role:
The mistaye goes to... The Dad, played
by director Hal P. Warren, in Manos: The Hands of Fate
(28.9%)
(Also receiving votes: Max Keller, played
by Timothy Van Patten, in Master Ninja I and Master Ninja II 26.3%;
Richard Knight Jr., the escaped Clone Guy in parts: the clonus horror
18.4%; Troy, the geeky kid in Final Sacrifice 15.8%; Fingal,
played by Raul Julia, in Overdrawn at the Memory Bank 7.9%; Zach,
the curly haired Hero Guy from Soultaker 2.6%)
In the category of Worst Performance
by an Actress in a Leading Role:
The mistaye goes to... Wanda, played
by Kathy Ireland, in Alien from L.A. (43.2%)
(Also receiving votes: Natalie, aka the
girl who also wrote the script, in Soultaker 29.7%; Batwoman in Wild
Wild World of Batwoman 18.9%; The chesty Peaches Page in Racket Girls
8.1%)
In the category of Worst Performance
by an Actor in a Supporting Role:
The mistaye goes to... Dropo, the
goofy Martian in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
(31.6%)
(Also receiving votes: Heathcliffe, aka
the Monkey Guy, in Wild Wild World of Batwoman 23.7%; Tommy, the goofy
little redheaded kid in Pod People 18.4%; The Crotchety Old Prospector
in Final Sacrifice 15.8%; Willie the Monkey Boy, aka the so-called comic
relief played by Sid Melton, in Lost Continent 7.9%; The
large-male-breasted Old Man Crenshaw in Boggy Creek II: And The Legend
Continues... 2.6%)
In the category of Worst Performance
by an Actress in a Supporting Role:
The mistaye goes to... Elmer
Fudd-wannabe Valeria from Robot Holocaust (34.3%)
(Also receiving votes: Joyce Molleur, aka
the teenaged girl in a car, in Manos: The Hands of Fate 28.6%; Mrs.
Heinz in Time Chasers 20.0%; Paul Anka’s Crazy Fiancée Wannabee from
Girls Town 8.6%; Mrs. Hazel March, the older pseudo-British woman in The
Atomic Brain 8.6%)
In the category of Worst Performance
by a Monster in Any Role:
The mistaye goes to... The Moving
Carpet Monster in The Creeping Terror (45.9%)
(Also receiving votes: The Cheesy
Dinosaurs in Future War 21.6%; The The Eye Creatures in Attack of
the The Eye Creatures 13.5%; The Tor Johnson Beast in Beast of
Yucca Flats 10.8%; Ro-Man, the Diving-Helmeted Gorilla in Robot
Monster 5.4%; The Tall Ugly Guy in Monster A-Go-Go 2.7%)
In the category of Worst Performance
by a Villain in a Non-Monster Role:
The mistaye goes to... Torgo in Manos:
The Hands of Fate (27.0%)
(Also receiving votes: The Master in
Manos: The Hands of Fate 24.3%; The hammy, maniacally laughing Kalgan in
Space Mutiny 18.9%; The Soultaker, played by Joe Estevez, in Soultaker
13.5%; Swan Hat Man in Cave Dwellers 8.1%; Bellow, the bad guy in
Bloodlust! 2.7%; Pitch, the devil’s helper in Santa Claus 2.7%; Tony
Washington, the Zombie Kid in Zombie Nightmare 2.7%)
In the category of Worst Action Hero:
The mistaye goes to... Zap Rowsdower
in Final Sacrifice (34.2%)
(Also receiving votes: Deputy Sheriff
Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, played by Joe Don Baker, in Final Justice
28.9%; Detective Mitchell, played by Joe Don Baker, in Mitchell
18.4%; Jean Claude Van Wannabe in Future War 10.5%; Ator,
played by Miles O’Keeffe, in Cave Dwellers 2.6%; Bart Fargo in
Danger! Death Ray 2.6%; Hercules, played by Reg Park, in Hercules
and the Captive Women 2.6%)
In the category of Most Unappealing
Character:
The mistaye goes to... Detective
Mitchell in Mitchell (32.4%)
(Also receiving votes: Evil Sister in
Jack Frost 18.9%; Dropo in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians 13.5%;
Ortega in The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became
Mixed-Up Zombies 13.5%; Torgo in Manos: The Hands of Fate 10.8%; Anyone
in Attack of the The Eye Creatures 8.1%; Batwoman in Wild Wild World of
Batwoman 2.7%)
In the category of Most Annoying
Character:
The mistaye goes to... Wanda, played
by Kathy Ireland, in Alien From L.A. (27.0%)
(Also receiving votes: Tommy, the goofy
kid in Pod People 24.3%; Short-shorts wearing Kenny in Gamera 18.9%;
Mikey, the crybaby wuss in Teen-aged Strangler 16.2%; Short-shorts
wearing Akio in Gamera vs. Guiron 8.1%; Short-shorts wearing Itchy in
Gamera vs. Gaos 5.4%)
In the category of Most Misunderstood
Character:
The mistaye goes to... Torgo in Manos:
The Hands of Fate (40.5%)
(Also receiving votes: Roger, aka Worm
Face, in Squirm 32.4%; Gamera, the Giant Flying Turtle, in Gamera,
Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. Gaos, Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Zigra
10.8%; Voldar, the bad Martian in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
10.8%; Trumpy’s evil cousin/brother/uncle in Pod People 5.4%)
In the category of Most Embarrassing
Appearance by a Celebrity in a Supporting Role:
The mistaye goes to... Jim Backus in Angels’
Revenge (37.8%)
(Also receiving votes: Jack Palance in
Outlaw (of Gor) and Angels’ Revenge 24.3%; Roddy McDowall in
Laserblast 13.5%; James Earl Jones in City Limit 13.5%; John Carradine
in Red Zone Cuba 10.8%)
In the category of Worst Line of
Dialogue:
The mistaye goes to... “Flag on the
Moon. How did it get there?” –narration by Coleman Francis said in Beast
of Yucca Flats (41.6%)
(Also receiving votes: “Watch out for
snakes.” –said by Arch Hall Sr. in Eegah! 19.4%; “A wounded
animal that size isn’t good.” –said by one of the Steves in Night
of the Blood Beast 13.8%; “Help me!” –said by Blind Old Man
in Rocket Attack USA 8.3%; “How much sin could a man commit in a
single lifetime?” –said by Colonel Glen Manning in The Amazing
Colossal Man 5.5%; “No madam, not dead like you know it; He is
with us always.” –said by Torgo in Manos: The Hands of Fate 5.5%;
“It stinks!” –said by Bad Band Singer in Pod People 5.5%)
In the category of Worst Editing:
The mistaye goes to... Manos: The
Hands of Fate (51.3%)
(Also receiving votes: Skydivers 24.3%;
Space Mutiny 13.5%; Lost Continent 8.1%; King Dinosaur 2.7%)
In the category of Worst Song or
Theme:
The mistaye goes to... The Title Song
(“Night Train to Mundo Fine”) from Red Zone Cuba
(27.0%)
(Also receiving votes: “(My My)
Mitchell” by Hoyt Axton from Mitchell 24.3%; “Valerie” by
Arch Hall Jr. from Eegah! 16.2%; Torgo’s Theme from Manos: The
Hands of Fate 10.8%; “Are You Happy in Your Work?” from I
Accuse My Parents 8.1%; Any song from Girls Town 5.4%; The
Devil Fish Theme from Devil Fish 5.4%; “Vicky” by Arch Hall
Jr. from Eegah! 2.7%)
In the category of Most Odd or
Disturbing Scene:
The mistaye goes to... The
shaving scene in Eegah! (35.1%)
(Also receiving votes: The baby oil
sex scene from Mitchell 29.7%; The battle of the rakes scene from
Hobgoblins 18.9%; The Trumpy does magic things scene from Pod People
8.1%; The sex scene from Laserblast 5.4%; The final face off
scene from Final Justice 2.7%)
In the category of Most Pointlessly
Dragged-On Scene:
The mistaye goes to... (a three-way
tie) The driving travelogue in Manos: The Hands of Fate
(22.2%), The rock climbing scene in Lost Continent
(22.2%), The re-re-repeated fueling scene in The Starfighters
(22.2%)
(Also receiving votes: The final air
battle scene in Invasion of the Neptune Men 16.6%; The sandstorm
scene in Hercules vs. The Moon Men 5.5%; The catfight between the
Masters’ wives in Manos: The Hands of Fate 5.5%; The children
from every country singing scene in Santa Claus 5.5%)
In the category of Most Horribly Dated
Short:
The mistaye goes to... A Date
With Your Family (31.4%)
(Also receiving votes: The Home
Economics Story 25.7%; What To Do On A Date? 14.3%;
Appreciating Our Parents 11.4%; Mr. B Natural 8.6%; Hired!
(Parts 1 & 2) 5.7%; Are You Ready for Marriage? 2.9%)
In the category of Most Inept
Instructional Short:
The mistaye goes to... Cheating
(32.4%)
(Also receiving votes: Platform Posture
and Appearance 24.3%; Hired! (Parts 1 and 2) 21.6%; Keeping
Neat and Clean 13.5%; Using Your Voice 8.1%)
In the category of Most
Counterproductive (In Every Possible Way) Short:
The mistaye goes to... Mr. B
Natural (36.1%)
(Also receiving votes: Junior Rodeo
Daredevils 22.2%; Here Comes the Circus 16.6%; Circus on Ice
16.6%; The Truck Farmer 8.3%)
Don’s Comments: Well, the
Mistayes ended up roughly as I expected – most winners could’ve been
predicted ahead of time (Manos as Worst Picture Ever, no surprise
there!), while some others were big surprises. For me, the biggest
surprise was Mitchell not winning worst action star (I guess I
underestimated Rowsdower much the same as Sartoris did) – I lost a
six-pack of Schlitz Malt Liquor in a bet over that one. Plus I was
surprised by Space Mutiny beating out ultra-cheesy Godzilla
vs. Megalon for Cheesiest Picture and Merlin’s Shop of Mystical
Wonders beating out both of the Santa movies for Most
Psychologically Damaging Children’s Film. And I was also surprised
that neither The Skydivers or Castle of Fu-Manchu received
a single vote in the Worst Picture Ever category – I guess the power
of both Torgo and The Master was just too much for either one of them to
overcome. A final surprise for me is that the shaving scene in Eegah!
won the Most Odd or Disturbing Scene Mistaye – this is a surprise
because when Forrest, Josh and I were coming up with nominees, I thought
of that one at the last moment and threw it in just to complete the
category. So it was a truly nice surprise that it pulled down the
award (to its own level, that is) in an upset win. Finally, I must
mention some oversights, because although Forrest, Josh, and I tried to
think up all deserving nominees over the weeks between Josh first coming
up with the idea for the awards and the actual launch of the awards, we
still overlooked a number of very worthy (for lack of a better word)
candidates, such as Tony Cardoza for Worst Actor due to his
non-performance in The Skydivers; that lousy dancer Michelle from
Girl in Gold Boots for Worst Actress; as well as forgot to
include the line “This is where the fish lives” (from The Touch
of Satan) in the Worst Line of Dialogue Category. Still, despite
those oversights and others, I think the final results are pretty
good… or pretty bad… or good in a bad way… or..., well, you know
what I mean.
Forrest’s Comments (broken down by
category):
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Worst picture- No surprise
here, of course Manos was going to win. I personally picked Hobgoblins
because it’s just so dirty, but I suppose that Manos
technically is the worst.
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Cheesiest picture- I believe
that Godzilla vs. Megalon is the cheesiest picture, while Space
Mutiny is just plain bad, but SURPRISE!
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Weirdest Picture- Jack
Frost makes perfect sense. It may as well be the weirdest
picture I’ve ever seen. But then again, all those Russian folk-lore
movies shown on MST3K are weird.
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Most Offensive Picture- I
agree more than ever with Hobgoblins being the most offensive
picture seen on the show. In fact, here’s a bit of trivia. I’ve seen
the uncut version of Hobgoblins, and after Nick and that slut
“do it” in the van, there’s one part after when Nick says:
“Honey, you’re the breast.” It just shows how incredibly
disgusting this film is.
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Most Damaging Children’s Film-
Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders won!? I was surprised it
wasn’t Santa Claus. That movie, to me, was very, very
disturbing.
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Worst Director- Obviously
Coleman Francis would win. It was a mathematical fact.
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Worst Performance by an actor in a
lead role- I knew this was coming. Of course the Dad in Manos
was going to win, he’s such a bad actor that the police man that
pulled him over at the beginning of the movie had to do all his, and
Hal Warren’s dialogue.
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Worst Performance by an actress in
lead role- I’m surprised that Natalie was a close second,
because watching Kathy Ireland as Wanda in Alien From L.A.,
I think we can all agree, was a most disturbing, annoying, and
gloomy experience.
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Worst Supporting Actor- Dropo
was destined to win, and I voted for him, but that gay prince guy in
the Sea Serpent movie was a close second for me, he was a
very disturbing little man: “You don’t understand! I’M A
PRINCE!”
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Worst Supporting Actress-
Valeria! I was woing to win. And yeu and yer daughter are doowemd.
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Worst Monster in Any Role- The
moving carpet monster, yes, it was very bad, but Tor Johnston is a
real monster, and I believed that he deserved to win.
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Worst Villain- That’s very
funny how close The Master and Torgo were, but when you come down to
it, our little goat-man friend is the worst.
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Worst Action Hero- ROWSDOWER
SAVES US, AND SAVES ALL THE WORLD!-HE COMES TO SAVE THE DAY IN A
BROKEN TRUCK-WITH A STINKY DENIM JACKET ON HIS BACK-HE COULDN’T SAVE
THIS MOVIE WHICH REALLY SUCKED-AT LEAST WE DIDN’T HAVE TO SEE HIM
PLAY HACKY SACK!
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Most Unappealing Character-
My, My Mitchell.
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Most Annoying Character- Yes,
even though all those Japanese kids were annoying, and Tommy was
really annoying, Wanda gets her rightfully deserved spot.
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Most Misunderstood Character-
Roger the worm guy was misunderstood, the poor hillbilly. But Torgo
is very misunderstood, like we don’t understand why he crams stuff
down his pants. Or why does he fondle women whenever he wants, or
why was he always moving his face. Yes, he was very misunderstood.
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Worst Line of Dialogue- The
Flag on the Moon line is a classic! I always crack up when Coleman
says that.
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Worst Editing- Manos
wins a lot of categories, and I think that it proves that it is, and
always will be, the most popular episode of them all.
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Worst Song or Theme- My, My
Mitchell was bad, but I think we can all agree that NIGHT TRAIN TO
MUNDO FINE is the worst. Oh crap! We forgot to add the Jet Jaguar
song to the list. Oh well, too late.
-
Most Odd of Disturbing Scene-
What!? The Shaving scene in Eegah won! How can you people
think that a caveman licking up shaving cream is more disturbing
than Joe Don Baker doing the nasty? His large, gunky fat, rolling in
baby oil, while he’s squishing Linda Evans, as the haunting My, My
Mitchell song plays.
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Most Pointless Dragged On Scene-
I agree, all of these scenes deserve the tie.
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Most Horribly Dated Short- The
Woody Allen story is the winner.
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Most Inept Instructional Short-
I think someone cheated on this category, and added a few votes,
prepare for a dark world to creep over yourself.
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Most Counterproductive Short-
If you put Mr. B Natural in any category about Shorts, and it
will win.
Josh’s Comments, Including Some On The
Tallying Process (broken down by category):
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Worst Picture... Ever: I
figured Manos was a lock from the beginning, though Monster
A-Go-Go had a pretty strong push, especially towards the end of
the voting. Should be no surprise that it got second. That is one
terrible movie.
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Cheesiest Picture: A bit
surprised by the lack of votes for Teenagers from Outer Space,
but the winner, is no shocker.
-
Weirdest Picture: How could Santa
Claus not win this?! Oh well, Jack Frost certainly has
its moments.
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Most Blatantly Offensive Picture:
Good showing for Jungle Goddess, I thought considering the
age of the episode, but Hobgoblins is a truly hideous movie
and the voting showed that.
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Most Psychologically Damaging
Children’s Film: Any childrens’ movie that mercilessly kills off
pets left and right definitely deserves this one.
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Worst Director... Ever: I
think Ed Wood would have stood a better chance had he had more films
featured on the show. Francis is definitely an excellent choice
though.
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Worst Performance by an Actor in a
Leading Role: The winner is no surprise but second place sure
is. Huge showing for Max Keller.
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Worst Performance by an Actress in
a Leading Role: Anyone who has seen this movie knows why Wanda
won.
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Worst Performance by an Actor in a
Supporting Role: I forgot just how bad Dropo was until I
rewatched Santa Claus Conquers the Martians a couple weeks
ago. You guys were right on.
-
Worst Performance by an Actress in
a Supporting Role: I was pulling for Mrs. Heinz all the way, but
it’s great to see a winner from Season One of the show. I have
to say I’m a little surprised.
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Worst Performance by a Monster in
Any Role: Deserving winner.
-
Worst Performance by a Villain in
a Non-Monster Role: This was actually led by the Master for most
of the way, but Torgo snuck up and took away the title.
-
Worst Action Hero: As bad as
Joe Don Baker is in Mitchell, I’ve always thought his
performance in Final Justice was actually worse. He was
older, fatter, and forced to do more stuff. Oh, and Rowsdower?
Great to see Final Sacrifice represented. (Also I think a Zap
Rowsdower talking action figure would be great!)
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Most Unappealing Character: I
think it’s funny that Mitchell is considered less appealing than
Torgo. No arguments though.
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Most Annoying Character: Wanda
and Tommy are both pretty bad. Is Tommy’s voice played by a woman?
I’m convinced that it is.
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Most Misunderstood Character:
I can go along with this one. Remember, Torgo was rambling something
about helping out the family shortly before he was killed for the
first time.
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Most Embarrassing Appearance by a
Celebrity in a Supporting Role: I’m starting to wish I’d
suggested Raul Julia as a nomination in this category. Don’t
know how he would have done, but that was a pretty embarrassing
appearance if I do say so myself.
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Worst Line of Dialogue: The
“wounded animal” line from Blood Beast got a lot of votes
early but they just sorta died after the first few days.
-
Worst Editing: Manos
continues to clean house. Nothing wildly shocking here.
-
Worst Song or Theme: Don’t
know why, but I expected the Torgo Theme to win here. Glad it
was Night Train to Mundo Fine instead. (Thanks to one of the
voters for the title. Sorry, your name escapes me.)
-
Most Odd or Disturbing Scene:
I guess the shaving scene was bad, but that Mitchell sex
scene was flat out awful.
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Most Pointlessly Dragged-On Scene:
I expected sandstorm to take this hands down, but it didn’t even do
well. The refueling scene got most of its votes at the end.
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Most Horribly Dated Short:
Definitely an appropriate choice.
-
Most Inept Instructional Short:
I thought Using Your Voice might win, but I was way off. Cheating
is definitely an excellent choice however.
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Most Counterproductive (In Every
Possible Way) Short: Mr. B had this one wrapped up from
the start. Nothing ever got that close.
The MiSTAyes are solely the work of
the MST3K Review and
are in no way
sanctioned, supported, or, well, anything-else-d by Best
Brains Inc.
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