1011 - HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND

Genre:  Horror / Stripping Dancer Movie (1960, B&W)

Don’s Synopsis:  When I was watching this episode, featuring a lame, poorly dubbed pseudo-horror movie from Germany, I wondered why exactly did BBI chose this movie for the show... and then I saw the Spider Mutant Man, and it all made sense.  This movie begins with a rather screwy dance audition scene that basically consists of individual women walking into an office and either undressing, dancing badly, or just standing there while a man named Gary sits at a desk and either crosses or uncrosses his legs.  Eventually enough dancers are hired and the chunky leg-crossing Gary takes them all on a plane trip to Singapore for a tour.  But the plane crashes into the ocean before reaching its destination, marooning Gary and eight hot-looking women dancers on an island.  But before you can say “Lucky Guy!”, they find a dead scientist in a giant spider web in a cabin.  Soon, Gary wanders off and is bitten by a large radioactive puppet spider – turning him into a giant spider... sort of  (he’s actually more of a wolfman guy, with a furry face and hands – but, if he thinks he’s a giant spider, then – okay – I’ll play along: he’s a giant spider.  Let the baby have his bottle, I always say).  The dead scientist’s two male assistants, Robby and Joe, soon show up and, seeing that there are some hot-babes all alone and in danger, take appropriate action:  they throw a PARTY!   So now the movie features half-dressed women and drunk men having so much fun, that they soon forget that there’s a killer Spider Mutant Wolf-Man somewhere on the island.  But soon, the Spider Mutant guy strikes and kills Robby.  Joe and the women chase down the Spider Mutant guy until he becomes trapping in quicksand and sinks to his death.  So now, there’s a number of beautiful woman and only one guy on the island... and the big dummy calls in a rescue ship to take them all off the island!

Don’s Review:  This was a really mixed-up goofy movie – sometimes, it wants to be a horror film and, at other times, it’s like a drunken party movie.  I read in a review of the movie that it’s like the missing link between earlier monster movies and later sexploitation films, which could explain why it’s so bad at being either one.  M&tBs do a decent job riffing this and the host segments were okay, as they thankfully featured a lot of movie-related segment.  So, all-in-all, a decent outing on the final B&W movie seen on the show.

Don’s Rating: 

Forrest’s Synopsis:  A “naughty” film about a guy named Gary who recruits women for some sort of dancing gig (though he hires them on breast size and how sexy they are, not on how well they dance). If they’re sexy enough, he crosses his legs, and his assistant tells them they’re in.  If they’re out, he leaves his legs apart (pure genius).  And so, they’re off.  They fly a plane, and of course, it crashes, and so they all end up, stranded, on an uncharted desert isle.  With Gary, the strippers too, the spiders, and their webs.  The B-movie stars, here on Spider Island! (har, har)  So after about twenty minutes of innuendo and mumbling, Gary is attacked by a spider puppet, and turns into a spiderman.  But, instead of using his great power with great responsibility, he uses it to terrorize the girls.  After a while, eventually the spider mutant dies (I cannot remember this film at all, even though I watched it only a day before I write this), and they all end up safe. Right?

Forrest’s Review:  Awful, awful movie that comes across as Red Zone Cuba mixed with soft porn.  Even though the movie has some nice eye candy, speaking specifically about the girls, the movie is incredibly hard to watch, and is very unpleasant.  But MST3K has been able to defeat the most vile films ever, and they do pull off some good riffs, and there’s some good laughs in this episode, but for some reason, I simply wasn’t enjoying myself.  Even though I laughed quite a few times, it still wasn’t anything near MST in their top form.  The host segments on the other hand were mostly movie related, and quite funny, and even a bit “dirty”, despite MST’s reputation of being a family oriented show.  So, even though there are some good laughs, and good host segments, this is a rather weak episode, and probably the only weak episode in the season along with Hamlet.  Luckily, Squirm!, the next episode, reminds me why I love this show so much.

Forrest’s Rating: