1003 - MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS

Genre:  Horror Anthology (1996, Color)

Don’s Synopsis:  This movie deceptively appears to be inspired by (or, more accurately, ripped-off from) The Princess Bride, as it begins with a wrapping framework of a grandfather (Ernest Borgnine) telling a fairy tale to his young grandson. (Who is the worst child actor ever – he makes that kid in the Star Wars Phantom Menace movie look like Lawrence Olivier by comparison!)  Of course, the initial impression that this is a fairy tale is soon over once the grandfather starts telling the two stories... horror stories. (What kind of demented grandfather tells his grandchildren horror stories???)  The two stories are poorly wrapped again by having them originate in a magical shop run by Merlin the Magician.  In the first story, a couple that’s trying to have a child drop into the shop. The man of the couple is a jerk reporter who wants to expose the shop as a fraud.  Merlin decides to prove his magic to the man by letting the jerk take home his book of magic spells. The man starts reciting the spells in the book, shish-ka-bobbing his kitty and almost completely destroying his house, when he notices that the chanting has aged him a great deal.  So he recites a spell to restore his youth... and let’s see, his wife wants a baby and he’s reciting a youth-restoring spell... hmmm, I wonder where this story is going???  Apparently that story would only give the grandson nightmares for a few weeks, so grandpa Borgnine pours it on by telling another horror tale loosely related to Merlin’s shop.  In this story, which somehow seems to time travel back to 1982, a burglar breaks into Merlin’s Shop and steals one of those annoying cymbal-clanking toy monkeys from the ’70s.  Of course, this isn’t just an annoying little toy, it’s an evil Spawn-of-Satan annoying little toy that kills things whenever it clashes its cymbals!  The burglar sells it to an antique/junk shop that then sells it to a family and it is given to a kid in this family for his birthday. Soon things are dying left and right – the first to go are the plants, then the goldfish and next the dog.  The father somehow figures out that the monkey is evil, so he consults his psychic friend, who only charges him $6.75 a minute to talk to her.  She tells the idiot dad to get rid of the evil monkey without arising its suspicions.  We then get a very goofy scene as the father tries to “accidentally” knock the evil monkey into a trashbag.  Of course, this attempt to get rid of the monkey fails (maybe leaving it out in the trash next to the road wasn’t the best idea), so the father next tries to bury the monkey in the ground. The monkey strikes back, causing an earthquake but the man escapes with only a broken arm. Back at home, though, grandma is coming to visit and she picks up a toy from a roadside vendor... of course, it’s the evil monkey again. But, luckily grandma is a bit senile and put her son’s address on her checks, so Merlin gets the address and arrives in time to stop the evil monkey from killing again. Satisfied that he has succeeded in giving his grandson nightmares for at least the next year, grandpa Borgnine puts a blanket on the kid and the movie finally ends. 

Stinger:  Kid is playing with the evil monkey and singing “Rock ’n’ Roll Martian”

Don’s Review:  This relatively recent film is proof that not all bad movies only look bad after they are dated by changing times – because this movie was hideous from day one!  What demented mind thinks a grandfather tells horror stories to his grandkids? That’s a grandfather who needs to be put in a home and barred from his grandkids by a restraining order! And can Ernest Borgnine get any fatter? (Of course, the fact that the filmmakers have him sitting so that his fat belly bulged out even more doesn’t help.)  The riffing on this was a little mixed – sometimes it was great and on-target, then it would die down in quality only to surge upward again – but, overall, it was mostly very good. (My favorite parts are when M&tBs slip into a Borgnine impression to describe some of the more mundane or horrific scenes to his grandson.)  The host segments were decent, especially a funny one on other children’s books by Ernest Borgnine and the final segment spoof of a scene from the movie by Brain Guy and Bobo. So overall, this is a great episode that repeats very well.
Trivia Note: This is only the third episode of MST’s final season but due to rights issues, it ended up being the last new episode ever shown, debuting over a month after the show’s finale premiered.

Don’s Rating: 

Forrest’s Synopsis:  Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders is a fine satire on stupid people.  If it was intended for that...I'll check back with you.  The story starts out with the worst child actor in history watching a violent movie, while his demented grandfather (Ernest Borgnine) smiles down upon him.  The electricity goes out so the grandfather decides to tell his grandson some stories.  At first, you might think that these stories were harmless fairy tales about whimsical, Spielbergian children stories.  It isn't until the first story begins that you learn that this grandfather is truly demented.  The first story is about this cynical guy with bad sperm named Jonathan that reviews things for the local newspaper.  Merlin has set up this shop somewhere in some city, and Jonathan threatens to give Merlin a bad review.  He tells Merlin that he is full of crap and magic is also a bunch of crap, so Merlin gives him a book of spells.  Jonathan takes it home and starts reading spells.  Before you know it, the cat is roasted alive, knives are flying through the air and demons from the darkest places in hell start visiting him. He then turns old, and then into a baby, and the first segment comes to a merciful end.  The second segment is somewhat more easy to tolerate, although not by any stretch. In this one, Merlin apparently keeps an evil toy monkey in his shop and it is stolen.  The robber pawns the monkey and it ends up as a present at a kid's birthday party.  Before you know it the kid's goldfish dies and his dog also gets roasted (Oh my God, a cat, goldfish and a dog all get killed?  I hope PETA never saw this episode!).  The kid's father learns that the toy monkey was behind everything, so he goes to a psychic for help.  She yells at him for no reason and doesn't give him much help either.  After trying to throw the toy monkey away, it escapes via the kid. The kid almost gets run over by a car.  The dad takes the monkey into the middle of the desert and tries to destroy it once and for all.  Although he is buried alive, struck by lightning and hit by a tree, we learn that all is well and he only suffered a minor scratch on his head.  His mother comes in town to visit, and she gives her grandson a gift....yup you guessed it, the toy monkey.  The monkey almost kills everyone, but Merlin comes just in time.  By this time, Borgnine's grandson (and the audience) is shocked, sickened and thoroughly traumatized, so Borgnine decides to stop.

Forrest’s Review:  Mystery Science Theater 3000, or MST3K known to it's fans (if it has any fans that is), never fails to disappoint. And this episode is yet another disappointment.  Has society sunk so low that we are reduced to watching movies about people watching movies?  Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders once again proves just how inept and unfunny MST3K really is.  The show features a movie in every episode, but a man with a enormous face named Mike Nelson and his two robot companions talk throughout the whole movie and you can't hear anything else but them.  Not only is the show devoid of content, but of style too!  It's just so cheap.  The robots are obviously made of bowling pins, flashlights and gumball machines!  And the movie they show is stupid as well. Bah! Merlin. BAH! Magic. Who believes in magic? Really? What kind of sick, irrational idiot actually believes in such crap. And so, I end my review, gentle readers....wait....what's that....Oh dear Christ! Oh my God, it's a demon! Yes, yes Satan! I am sorry. Yes! I believe in Magic....don't kill me! Yes, and this is a great episode of MST3K! A+! A+!  No don't kill my cat!  Noooo!ddsaf dgsfdrgfd66 6kdfd@*$@FJSsg fds.g.ddg.s.p ppppp ..pppppp pppppppp...

Forrest’s Rating: