MST3K Review

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606 - THE CREEPING TERROR (RHINO DVD Box #1 and VHS)

Genre: Ultra-low Budget Horror / Space Monster (1963, B&W)

Don’s Synopsis: An alien spaceship lands in the woods and a creature comes out and starts eating everyone it comes across. Eventually it crashes a party and kills most of the guests so an army squad finally takes on the beast, with most of the soldiers getting killed but the beast is (finally) destroyed. A second beast still in the spaceship also comes out and starts attacking but it too is killed.

Don’s Review: This is literally a companion piece to other “worst movie ever made” contenders seen on MST3K, like Monster A Go-Go, Beast of Yucca Flats, Red Zone Cuba, The Blood Waters of Dr. Z and most infamous of all – Manos: The Hands of Fate. It’s so low budget that there’s very little actual dialogue in the film, with a voice-over narrator providing most of the soundtrack. The effects are pretty pathetic too – the Creeping Terror looks more like a parade-float struggling to get anywhere than anything terrifying (its so slow, a tree slug could get away from this thing). Every time the Terror attacks someone, they have to stand around and wait for it to finally get to them, and then the victims have to throw their own bodies into the Terror’s mouth and pull themselves inside (so the Terror is more of a creeping suicide device than anything else). It is pretty funny to watch these Creature scenes and the riffing is pretty good overall in this episode – but in the scenes where the riffing is only so-so, the absolute dreadfulness of this movie comes through almost too strongly. This movie is so amazingly bad, it’s no surprise that it’s a favorite of bad movie lovers everywhere. Although I personally prefer the MST episodes with the “cheesy fun” movies over the episodes with the “incredibly awful” movies, this is one you simply have to see with your own eyes to believe a movie this bad actually exists.

Don’s Rating:

Forrest’s Synopsis: Of course this, as we all know is one of the absolute worst movies ever made. BUT, it isn't the worst movie of all time. If you were to pull out a list of the top five worst films ever made, in fifth place, you might have Eegah!, and then in fourth place, you might have Manos: The Hands of Fate, in third you might have Overdrawn at the Memory Bank and it's sequel Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind. [editor: hey, I like that movie!] And The Creeping Terror fits firmly in second place. And of course, Michael Bay's Armageddon in first. Now, you might call me an idiot and say, "As bad as Armageddon is, The Creeping Terror is even worse." Well.... I think I have an argument that proves otherwise. Indeed The Creeping Terror is an awful film, but Michael Bay's craptacular movie easily beats it for the title of WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. Let me demonstrate:

1. The Title - Both films have dumb titles, but at least The Creeping Terror has integrity. Although the movie is lacking "terror" the monster does in fact "creep". Therefore, half the title is fully justified. However, in Armageddon at one point in the film, someone says something like: "The Bible predicted this day would come. It is called Armageddon." If the retards that made this film actually read the Revelation prophecy in the Bible, it has nothing to do with a meteorite crashing into earth. It's like making a movie called The Resurrection of Jesus that's about an earthquake in L.A.

2. Acting - The acting in both films is awful, but let's look at two particular girl-and-boy-in-love scenes from each film. In Armageddon we have Animal Cracker Sex. Yes, Animal Cracker Sex. Ben Affleck rubbing Liv Tyler's belly with animal crackers, and sticking them between her breasts. Watching Mitchell lay on a bed with twenty or so empty beer cans on his bed is more appealing. Compare that to The Creeping Terror when Martin plays a practical joke on sneaking up onto his wife, it scares her, she laughs, and they kiss. They're newly married, and their house in small and dreary. They keep a lot of booze on hand. Far closer to the truth.

3. Dialogue - Thankfully, in The Creeping Terror, dialogue is kept to a minimum, and so we only have to deal with a few bad lines here and there. Stuff like "My God what is it!?" or "It sure ain't no airplane." HOWEVER, bad as it is, Armageddon is worse, with lines like:

"FREEDOM! FREEDOM! GOT TO GIVE WHAT IT TAKES....Hello Yankees! I love you
America. (reading from English book) Would you prefer an appetizer or aperitif?"

"HELLO YANKEES! Welcome to the home of me, Cosmonaut Lev Andropov."

"This isn't even like outer space, this is like inner space man."

and exchanges of dialogue, such as:

     Max : Oh, man, did I have a dream.
     Bear : So did Martin Luther King.
     Max : No, this was a bad dream. We were drilling and the ground ate the bit. Then it ate the pipe, then the derrick. Then it ate us.
     Bear : That's a dumb-ass dream.
     Max : I'm not coming home.

Clearly, The Creeping Terror wins this round as well.

4. Story/Plot - Both movies have really dumb stories - but I think The Creeping Terror is more plausible. Our own galaxy has over a hundred billion stars in it, and just in view of advanced telescopes there are hundreds of billions of galaxies, and beyond that nobody knows. In this huge universe, the chances of a race of aliens that sends carpet monsters to eat humans as a grisly experiment is more likely to happen than NASA sending redneck oil drillers to save the world from total destruction.

5. Editing & Directing - The Creeping Terror has some horrible directing, a completely inept lack of taste, and plenty of bad POV shots. HOWEVER, it doesn't assault you with it's editing. Compare that with Michael Bay's camera that apparently has ADD, his edits that make MTV look subtle and nuanced, and his complete inability to make the audience believe anything that's going on. I did believe that Martin and Barney in The Creeping Terror were cops in a dingy little town, but I can't believe that Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis were oil drillers sent to save the world.

6. Special Effects - I think that the carpet monster, however bad as it looks, is still more real than Ben Affleck as a tough guy.

I think my point is clear. As bad as The Creeping Terror is, indeed, it is not the WORST movie ever made. Plus, The Creeping Terror, by the looks of it couldn't have cost more than a couple bucks. Armageddon costs a bazillion gazillion trillion dollars, which could have been spend on, like, finding the cure for cancer, or feeding Africa.

Forrest’s Review: The riffing in this episode was hilarious. I'd laugh out loud every couple of seconds, sometimes at the totally absurd ineptitude of the film, often because of Mike and the 'Bots' hilarious riffs:

     Narrator: He asked Martin what he though of it.
     Martin: It sure ain't no airplane.
     Crow: They never asked Martin another question.

Great episode, and the host segments are mildly funny, and capture an almost midnight up-late feel to them. A classic episode that I watch a lot, and it gets funnier and funnier.

Forrest’s Rating: