516 - ALIEN FROM L.A.

Don’s Synopsis:  “Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Wanda” played by Kathy Ireland with an incredibly whiny, squeaky little voice.  As this movie opens, her California boyfriend dumps Wanda because she won’t travel anywhere.  Wanda then whines and whines until the credits finally appear and give us a small breather from her constant whining.  The movie then switches over to Wanda’s Dad, who is digging in some ancient Egyptian-looking cavern when he falls down into a bottomless pit (or so we wish it really was).  Soon after, whiny Wanda gets a letter telling her that her Dad was lost to the pit, so she immediately flies to Africa to look for him. Once there, a Grizzly Adams guy assists her and she soon discovers from her father’s notes that he was looking for ancient aliens called Atlanteans, who took their ancient UFO deep underground within the Earth. (Uhmmm, was her father doing archeology work, or writing a science fiction novel?)  So Wanda soon wanders around in his footsteps and, after accidentally destroying the ancient Egyptian-like cavern and its precious artifacts (way to go, Wanda), she also falls down in the same bottomless pit (or so we really, really wish this time). But, of course, the pit really wasn’t bottomless (damn!) and Wanda is now in the lost civilization of Atlantis, which instead of being some technologically advanced wonder, is more like the set of some Mad Max-wannabe post-apocalyptic scumville. Wanda soon meets some Australian guy named Gus – whose voice sounds too much like Jacko, that annoying battery pusher from the ’80s ("Get Energizer! Oye!") – whom she then helps beat up some claim jumpers (while the John Williams’ end credits music from Superman inexplicably plays in the background).  So as a token of gratitude, Gus agrees to give her a ride, but clumsy Wanda immediately flips over his buggy and breaks her glasses (why, she’s better looking without them! And it turns out that she didn’t need those ugly glasses to see, anyway!)  They next go to Atlantis (where were they earlier, the Suburbs???) and on the ride there, Wanda goes on and on and on about her pathetic life until Gus finally kills her to shut her up (oh sorry, he really didn’t – that was just some wishful thinking on my part). Once in Atlantis, Gus and Wanda wander around some sort of market, where the Australian version of Max Headroom is on TV sets everywhere and the people talk like they’re on helium. There, some freaky-looking chick overhears Wanda say that she’s from Malibu, info that she rushes off to sell to a couple of groups looking for aliens in Atlantis. After Wanda steams her face and changes clothes, she and Jacko, I mean Gus, go to some sort of trendy restaurant with a weird live show. (Hey, are they back in L.A. all of a sudden?)  While Gus is away making a phone call, the freaky chick drugs Wanda and takes her over to Thunderdome, where a helium-talking pasty guy in a black-and-white pinstriped suit buys her. Gus rescues her but clumsy Wanda soon falls off a platform and has to get away again on her own. A bounty is soon put on her head (by the acting police?) and now almost everyone in Atlantis is after her. Wanda disguises herself by wrapping her head in towel (not too tight, though, it may cause an air leak), but the pasty white guys still recognize her and capture her. She is rescued once again, this time by an American-sounding guy named Charmin. (So whatever ya do, don’t squeeze him!)  After killing a pasty guy, Charmin sends Wanda on her way (or just away from him, depending on how you look at it), but she is captured yet again.  Meanwhile, Eye-Patch Woman and the head Pasty White Guy meet the spinning Lord of Atlantis. The Spinning Lord decides he will meet the captured Wanda personally and then make his decision whether to free or terminate her (Terminate her! Please terminate her!) as well as her already captured dad.  But before he decides, Gus shows up and drags Wanda and her dad away to safety.  They meet up with Dr. Wolfman Jack, who tells them that he has equipment to return them to the surface. The ending then drags on as Eye-Patch Woman and Pasty Guy show up to try to stop them, but once Eye-Patch Woman hears Wanda’s voice again, she allows Wanda and dad to finally get away and head back to the surface.  Back in Malibu, mousy little Wanda is now all-of-a-sudden hot-looking (although, unfortunately, her voice is no less squeaky and annoying).  Her Ex is now lusting after her, but she blows him off and runs into Charmin, who somehow escaped from Atlantis himself.  It ends with the credits “…And she lived happily ever after” (…much like the audience could once they got out of the theater and away from this movie!)

Host Segments:

Don’s Review:  A Golan-Globus Production, need I say more?  Like most of the dreck they churned out in the ’80s, this is a typical example of what they produced: awful acting that takes place on cheapo sets, surrounded by a barely discernible plot of some sort.  This extremely bad film is actually one of the more recent productions (1988) to appear on MST.  Unfortunately, like a lot of episodes with relatively recent movies, the riffing doesn’t work as well as it does for older, more dated fare and this is no exception.  In fact, this is some of the weakest riffing by Mike & the Bots during his first partial season as the show’s host (though I really like the bit over the end credits in which M&tBs insult each other on Chick Flicks that they each like, and Crow’s funny shut up response to Wanda’s constant whining).  But the host segments were generally good, with the best being a good invention exchange and the segment on Kathy Ireland’s acting range (or lack thereof).  So, overall, this is a rather disappointing episode, though like all MST episodes, it’s worth at least one look. (...and I’m sure, just like every other episode, there are some devoted MSTies who think this is one of the best episodes ;-)

Don’s Rating: 

Forrest’s Synopsis:  Golan and Globus are the ORIGINAL Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer! Besides the fact that the latter team has a lot more cash, the style and content of their films is indistinguishable. As for this film, this is perhaps the worst film of season five, and one of the absolute worst in the series. I feel quite sorry for whoever paid to see this trash in theaters. It tells the story of squeaky-voiced Wanda (played by Kathy Ireland) who nobody likes because she's got an irritating voice and her hair looks bad, or something. The "plot" begins when she gets a letter informing her that her father died in some kind of accident in Africa (or some place), so Kathy goes there to investigate. She falls into a pit that takes her to "Atlantis", which is ruled by vague Orwellian totalitarian government. Anyway, Kathy and some Australian dude meet up there, and some other stuff happens, then see meets this other guy, and more crap happens. I can't really remember the details, but Kathy and her new found boyfriend, the Australian guy and perhaps a few more people, rescue her father who turns out to be alive, and they escape from Atlantis. She returns to L.A. - and decides to get rid of her glasses and look hot in a bikini. If she looked like that the whole time this movie would have been much more easy to get through. The movie ends with annoying music and ironic and humorous (in theory) shots of one of the Atlantis government officials saying how aliens from L.A. don't exist....how I hate this film!

Forrest’s Review:  This is, without the slightest doubt, one of the absolute worst movies ever made. For a Golan-Globus film, although the set pieces are cheap, and everything looks fake - compared to their normal crap, this movie must have cost a helluva lot more than the usual budget. I've seen three, yes THREE, of their films, two by accident, one because of MST3K, and they may as well be the worst movies of the 1980's. And of those three films, Alien From L.A. is without a doubt the worst. Kathy's voice is just so annoying that it hurts your ears, the incredibly low budget and quickly slapped together look of the movie hurts your eyes and the plot and situations are so stupid that it numbs your brain. As for an episode of MST3K, Mike is still trying to get adjusted to his new job as host, but the host segments are very funny. Dr. Forrester's Vend-A-Gut invention is an all time favorite of mine. The Irish song about Kathy Ireland is very funny as well, with the others being mildly amusing. The riffing is REALLY spread out on this one. My first two viewings of this episode (spread out over two years) I couldn't get through the pure badness of the movie to even give Mike and the Bots a chance. But this time, I tried to listen to their comments and not let the movie get to me as much, and they do say some hilarious things. The Australian riffs by Servo are a scream, and Mike had a lot of funny riffs scatered throughout. And during the end credits when Mike and Crow diss each other about watching chick flicks is a classic. However, the sheer badness of the film still comes through exceptionally well (or bad?), and at times overpowers Mike and the 'Bots' banter. All in all, this is an good episode - if only for the Australian riffs by Servo.

Forrest’s Rating:  

Related Link:
    (1) SciFilm.org (Movie Review)