 503 - SWAMP DIAMONDS with short: WHAT TO DO ON A DATE
Genre: Crime (S: 1951,
B&W; F: 1955, Color)
Short: This very dated little
dating short called
What to Do on a Date? is about a dim-witted guy named Nick
and the girl named Kaye who inexplicably likes him and agrees to
go out
with him on a date to a lame scavenger sale. (Note: This
short is included on the MST Shorts Vol. 2
videotape/DVD.)
Synopsis: The feature is about three women
(a Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette) who
stole some diamonds and are now in prison for the crime. A police woman goes undercover as an inmate to find out where the diamonds are hidden.
As soon as she’s in, she immediately starts talking about the diamonds and
about breaking out with the others to go get them. This very suspicious behavior by the
“newcomer” inmate, for some reason, raises no alarms in the three women
diamond thieves. So they all escape and head to the swamp where the diamonds are hidden.
Their boat, though, has a hole in it so they, instead, highjack
another boat from Mike “Touch” Connor (aka TV’s Mannix)
and his whiny girlfriend, killing their guide, Uncle Charlie, in
the process. Next they all, including the now-hostage couple, go to get the diamonds and the man’s girlfriend is killed when she falls into someone’s swimming pool while trying to escape (for some reason, she didn’t even try to take her boyfriend with her).
 Then there is a lot of padding, followed by more padding
and then some filler until they finally get to the place where the diamonds are hidden.
They dig up the diamonds and begin to head back. But then while the others
are asleep, the
Redhead steals the diamonds and everyone’s guns.
Her plan is beyond stupid as she then hides in a tree waiting for the others to show up so she can kill them (wouldn’t it have been easily to just kill them while they all
slept? Oh, no, sorry – that would have been smart, a
concept none of the characters in this movie have any grasp of).
The others succeed in spearing the double-crossing Redhead up in
her tree and she falls to her death. Meanwhile, the
Undercover Woman Cop and the
Mannix guy are falling for each other (it’s a good thing his girlfriend died so conveniently and
he’s
now already over her). Finally, they fight it out with the two remaining women
thieves and a police boat arrives in the nick of
time to arrest the guilty, while the Woman Cop now gets to go undercover
with the girlfriend-free Mannix guy.
Host Segments:
- Prologue: Crow and Servo re-enact the “Spock
in Love” episode (aka This Side of Paradise) from the
original Star Trek series, so Joel grudgingly plays
along as Captain Kirk
- Segment One (Invention Exchange): Joel is now
getting into his Kirk role; the Mads invent the “U-View”
to allow TV viewers to see what would’ve happened in their
lives if they weren’t inside watching TV; J&tBs
invent the “Andrew Lloyd Webber Grill” for burning any of the
composer’s overblown musical scores (and Tim Rice’s scores burn just as
well too)
- Segment Two: Inspired by the short, Tom is
thinking about asking Gypsy out on a date, so he gets some
advise from Joel and Crow
- Segment Three: Tom calls Gypsy to ask her out
on a date to Joel and Crow’s scavenger sale
- Segment Four: Tom and Gypsy are out on their
date at the scavenger sale, but Crow moves in on her when Tom
is away
- Segment Five (End): Tom recounts the end of his
date with Joel and Crow, but mistakenly thinks it went better
than it really did, so he calls Gypsy and is rejected; a
letter inviting J&tBs to a wedding (which really breaks up
Tom, still crushed by Gypsy’s rejection); Frank is
watching himself on the U-View (which also doesn’t go very
well)
Stinger: The Redhead pushes the whiny girlfriend
and tells her to “Shut Up!”
Don’s Review: This episode starts off great
as the Prologue literally had me on the floor laughing as Crow and Servo
perfectly spoof the “Spock in Love” scene from Star Trek
(and Joel’s Kirk impression after the break is equally
hilarious). This episode still stays great with first a funny invention exchange and, then, with
one of the funniest shorts ever seen on the show, What to Do on
a Date. But then the movie starts, and the credit “Directed by Roger Corman” flashes on the screen and things start going downhill.
So rating this episode was tough – the host segments are great, with the
Star Trek spoof, great invention exchange, and Tom asking Gypsy out on a date.
And the short was great with superb riffing and is one of my
all-time personal favorites. But the feature, despite some
strong riffing, was a
bit of a chore to get through
– although I did enjoy it much more on a repeat viewing, so
maybe it’ll get better and better on additional viewings.
There are some definite riffing highlights during the movie (such
as Joel mocking the women loudly talking about their escape plans;
J&tBs coming up with names for Mike Connors other than “Touch”;
the riffing when the women talk about their plans once they get
the diamonds; and the best riffed scene is when the whiny
girlfriend attempts her escape into a swimming pool, while Mike
Connor fights a fake alligator), so this is a very good episode
overall, especially when the short and host segments are factored
in, and is definitely worth a repeat visit one day.
Don’s Rating: 
[ S: 
F:  ]
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