MST3K Review

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321 - SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (RHINO DVD Essentials)

Genre: Low Budget Holiday (1964, Color)

Synopsis: After the leader of Mars notices that all two of the children of Mars (one of whom is played by a very young Pia Zadora, who would go on to appear in even worse movies) are depressed and constantly watching Earth TV, he consults with the decrepit old wise man of Mars. The decrepit old man tells him that what the two Mars children need is Santa Claus. So an expedition is sent to Earth to bring Santa Claus back. When the Martians get to Earth, they’re confused by all of the Santa Clauseseses they see everywhere. So they kidnap two dumb Earth kids who spill the beans – these others are just helpers, while the “real” Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. (Those damn kids ratted him out!) When the Martians and their two young, dumb captives arrive at the North Pole, the two kids escape into the bitter subzero arctic cold… no, not really, because it was apparently a rather warm day at the North Pole. The kids try to get away, but run into a guy in a polar bear suit and, after getting away from the bear guy, are then captured by a goofy-looking Martian robot. With the kids back in captivity, the Martians proceed to freeze the nagging Mrs. Claus and kidnap the laughing-est Santa in movie history to take him back to Mars. On the trip back, the “bad” Martian Voldar tries to kill Santa and the Earth kids by blasting them all out of an air lock. But Santa and the kids escape and, like everything else, Santa isn’t upset at all that someone tried to murder him and laughs it off. Once back on Mars, the Martians put Santa to work with an automated machine that produces toys. But Voldar is still not happy to have Santa Claus around (well, you have to admit, that constant laughing does get tiresome), so he keeps trying to get rid of the overly jolly fat man. Finally, an extremely goofy Martian named Dropo figures out that tying a pillow to his belly can make him look fat, so he dresses up as Santa. And now that the Martians have their own Santa Claus, they release the real Santa and return him to Earth (to the sickeningly jolly strains of “Hooray for Santy Claus”).

Host Segments:

Prologue: The Bots are looking at Christmas catalogs, so Joel asks them all what they want for Christmas, but doesn’t know about their answers
Segment One (Invention Exchange): The Mads invent the “Wish Squisher” which takes cool gifts and turns them into lame gifts; J&tBs invent new contributions to the Island of Misfit Toys: Buttery Sweet Toaster Dolls, Roadhouse: the Board Game, E-Z Bake Foundry, Mr. Mashed Potato Head
Segment Two: J&tBs sing “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas” by Crow T. Robot
Segment Three: The Bots are suffering Christmas depression due to the movie, but Joel has a lot of other Christmas tapes that they can watch later (although some of them aren’t so great either)
Segment Four: J&tBs read their Christmas Essays: Crow’s essay is “What’s the Deal with Santa’s Elves?”, Tom’s is “A Child’s Christmas in Space”, Joel’s is on “Christmas Past: The ’70s Office Christmas Party”, but the cynicism ends with a final word from Gypsy
Segment Five (End): J&tBs are singing carols; it’s Christmas Stocking Time on the SOL; a letter; the Mads exchange gifts

Stinger: The bad Martian Voldar laughs

Don’s Review: This, the Joel Christmas Holiday experiment (the Mike one happens in ep #521), features one of the goofiest and lamest Christmas movies ever made. So goofy that the Martians alone, who are all green and wear ridiculous looking helmets with rabbit-ear antennae and a handle on the side, had me laughing without the need for any riffs. But when the riffs come, they are great as this episode has excellent riffing in spades, as well as great Christmas related host segments (such as the Road House inspired “Patrick Swayze Christmas” song). So this makes for an excellent episode that should be re-watched in rotation with ep #521 as an annual holiday tradition. (Great to see that Rhino finally put this truly essential episode on DVD, because no MST collection should be without it).

Don’s Rating:

Forrest’s Review: This episode is one that you will find many MiSTies admire. I mean, it’s reputation as being one of the very best episodes of the show is pretty universal with fans. So what is so great about this episode? I find that this episode only gets better and better on repeat viewings. While I admit that the Season Five Santa Claus episode made me laugh harder and louder than this episode, this episode, like Pod People, and Santa Claus, has a unique charm to it. There’s something about the Christmas episodes, maybe it’s the host segments because, while they don’t capture MST3K’s zaniness seen on the show in so many episodes, they do capture the feel of the Christmas spirit. And for me, that’s what sticks out most in these episodes. As for the riffing, I would not say it is the highest heard on the show, but it is very good, and there are plenty of laugh aloud moments as well as many chuckles between them. I especially like when Santa is smoking the pipe, and Crow says: “Kids, smoking is good for you.” The timing is perfect, and is what makes the riffing in this very funny. As good as the riffing is, the host segments are excellent! The highlight being, of course, “A Patrick Swayze Christmas” which is much funnier if you’ve actually seen the movie Road House, but even if you haven’t seen it, it’s still pretty funny. In my former review I said that this movie would be something that would appeal to me, were I still a little tyke. I’m sorry, I was comparing it to the satanic Santa Claus movie of Season Five. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is really bad, but compared to Santa Claus, it’s nothing. I really, really recommend this episode. The first time I saw it, I was a bit disappointed, but with most Joel episodes, on repeat viewings the episode gets better and better. Though the other Christmas episode with Mike had me laughing harder and more often than this episode, I believe I like this one more, there’s something about it, and it’s part of the legendary third season. An excellent episode that I re-watch more than most episodes.

Forrest’s Rating: