 202 - THE SIDEHACKERS
(RHINO DVD
Box #3 and VHS)
Genre: ’60s Biker (1969, Color)
Don’s Synopsis: This movie, also known as Five The Hard Way,
opens at motorcycle races known as “Sidehacking” races.
What’s Sidehacking?
Well, it’s none other than the goofiest style of motorcycle racing
ever
inventing! In it, motorcycles-with-sidecars race with a passenger in the
sidecar hanging off one side or the other to help balance the motorcycle.
While it’s a sound concept on paper, in real life, it’s as goofy-looking as hell, with guys hanging their butts all over the place.
The main character in this movie is the head sidehacker Rommel, played by the gravelly-voiced Ross Hagen.
Rommel plans to marry his girlfriend, Rita, because they like to frolic all the time.
Together with his butt-hanging sidehacking buddy, Rommel runs a motorcycle repair shop.
And into their shop comes the (also) gravelly-voiced J.C. – a part-time gang leader, part-time psychopath
– and his girlfriend, Paisley. Rommel does some repair work for J.C. and
he also invites J.C. to see some Sidehacking trials. Soon
J.C.’s girl
Paisley comes onto Rommel when they are
alone. But Rommel rejects her, so she rips her dress and tells J.C. that Rommel
assaulted her (don’t worry, she’ll get what’s coming to her for
this lie). After hearing this, J.C. is now mad! First Rommel made
him watch Sidehacking and then (apparently) attacked his girl –
that’s the last straw! Rommel gets his gang together and goes
and beats up Rommel and kills Rita (in a brutal scene that BBI wisely cut).
Now Rommel is mad because he can no longer frolic with Rita, so
he’s out for revenge.
Therefore he hires his own gang to go and take on J.C. and his gang at their very
un-strategically placed hideout in the bottom of a rock quarry
(well, no one ever accused J.C. of being bright). There, all of
J.C.’s gang is killed and Rommel takes on the nutcase
J.C. one-on-one. They fight it out in a strange rolling-and-tumbling fight that constantly moves right.
(By the time they
stop rolling, they’re about a mile to the right of where they
started!) Then Rommel, for some stupid reason, stops fighting J.C.
and turns around as the
police begin to arrive. When this happens, J.C. picks up a gun and shoots Rommel in the back.
Before dying, Rommel flashes back to happier days when he frolicked with Rita.
Host Segments:
- Prologue: Joel tries to put the ’Bots down
for the night (but he ends up letting them stay up for the
movie)
- Segment One (Invention Exchange): Joel
invents Gretchen, a pet slinky; Dr. F splits himself
into a human slinky as his invention
- Segment Two: J&tBs sing
“Sidehacking” (with some lousy blue-screen effects
making Joel partially transparent)
- Segment Three: J&tBs invent some sports
terminology for Sidehacking play-by-play announcing
- Segment Four: J&tBs talk about emulating
Rommel, but keep mentioning Rita; J.C. (Mike Nelson) and
Gooch (Frank) visit on the crude Hexfield to complain
- Segment Five (End): Joel sings “Love
Pads the Film” and moves the ’Bots and Frank to tears;
letters
(No stinger)
Don’s Review: Dark, depressing, harsh, ugly, dreadful, downbeat, awful
biker movie... that makes for a great MST episode!
The riffing by J&tBs is excellent throughout this movie –
it’s amazing just how entertaining they made this waste of celluloid!
(It’s even funnier than Number Five!) Although the host segments are rather primitive by later standards, they are all movie-related and pretty enjoyable.
This is a great episode that I’m very glad that Rhino released to
VHS and DVD (in Boxed Set #3)
Don’s Rating: 
Forrest’s Review: When I first saw this
episode, I thought it was no funnier than The
Hellcats. Boy, was I wrong! I now love this episode, and for a long time I thought the majority of Rhino
episodes were poor, but the more I re-watch them, the more they grow on
me and
now I love them – at this rate I might in the end up giving every
episode a high rating because I usually like them on repeat viewings!
The Sidehackers is a very dark movie. It follows the same plot formula as the Kevin
Costner movie called Revenge. Only difference is Revenge was decent,
while Sidehackers is awful. Although it does have a plot (something that few
MSTed movies have), it also has a lot of stock footage of the lamest sport
ever invented, sidehacking.
It is the ultimate white trash sport! In comparison, it makes
pro wrestling look awesome! So the movie is bad, the sidehacking is bad,
and as for the
characters... well, I do feel some sympathy for Rommel, but then again I just hate him.
J.C. was a bit too weird for me. And both of the gorgeous blonde girls,
although their characters are treated miserably, I never felt too sorry for them.
I never truly felt sorry for Rommel’s girlfriend Rita, but
because I the never got to see what happened to her (not that I wanted
to), I never developed any emotional feelings for the character.
As for Paisley, although J.C. was a complete ass to her, I still
can’t feel too sorry for her either, because she was a dumbass for not leaving J.C. in the first place! (She reminds me of one of those stupid girls in
Lifetime Originals Teen movies where the boyfriend beats the girlfriend constantly, and yet, she wants to stay with him for some unearthly reason.
Actually, some of those Lifetime movies would actually make for
excellent MST3K fodder). Despite the dark bitterness of this movie, Joel and the Bots make it
thoroughly enjoyable, and while the series’ riffing hadn’t peaked yet, the riffing was great for its
time – I think that even if this movie was actually run on a later season, I really
don’t think that the riffing would’ve been that much better.
There is definitely something about Season Two, because it has the laidback feel of
Season One, but with more of the zaniness of later seasons.
The host segments were a brilliant piece of work. While
Mike’s first
appearance of Valeria in Rocketship XM was only okay, his
appearance as J.C. had me rolling on the floor with laughter.
And the song “Sidehacking Is The Thing To Do” was one of the better songs of Season
Two. While I found Joel and the bots’ ESPN take on the sidehacking stock footage to be only mildly
amusing, the end segment with the song: “Only Love Pads The Film” was a hilarious ending to this great episode.
I am tempted to give this episode a 5-CROW rating, but I think I will go with the 4.5 rating
instead, because even though the host segments are outstanding and the riffing is very good, the riffing still
isn’t as great as
it is later in the season (especially
Godzilla vs. Megalon).
Also due to the fact that the movie, although enjoyable while assisted by Joel and the
’Bots, was still a very depressing movie to watch, and one of the darker movies shown on the series.
So it’s a great
episode, and I recommend it. Oh, and “Number
8!” (Don’t laugh too hard now.)
Forrest’s Rating:
Related Link:
(1) Mighty Jack’s MST3K Review (Episode Review)
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